APO

South Vietnam

Dear Civilians, Friends, Draft Dodgers, etc.:

In the near future the undersigned will be once more in your midst,
dehydrated and demoralized, to take his place again as a human being, with
the well-known forms of freedom and justice for all; to engage in life,
liberty, and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness. In making your
joyous preparations to welcome him back into organized society you should
provide certain allowances to the crude environment which has been his
miserable lot for the past twelve months. In other words, he might be a
little Asiatic from Vietnamesis and overseasitis, and should be handled
with care. Do not be alarmed if he is infected with all forms of rare
tropical diseases. A little time in the land of the Big PX will cure that
malady.

Therefore, show no alarm if he insists on carrying a weapon to the dinner
table, looks around for his steel pot when offered a seat, or wakes you up
in the middle of the night for guard duty. Keep cool when he pours gravy
on his dessert or mixes peaches with his Seagrams VO. Pretend not to
notice if he eats with his fingers instead of silverware and prefers
C-rats to steak. Take it with a smile when he insists on digging up the
garden to fill sandbags for the bunker he is building. Be tolerant when
he takes his blanket and sheet off the bed and puts them on the floor to
sleep.

Abstain from saying anything about powdered eggs, dehydrated potatoes,
fried rice, fresh milk or ice cream. Do not be alarmed if he should jump
up from the dinner table and rush to the garbage can to wash his dish with
a toilet brush. After all, this has been his standard. Also, if it
should start raining, pay no attention to him if he pulls off his clothes,
grabs a bar of soap and towel, and runs outdoors for a shower.

When in his daily conversation he utters such things as: "xin loi"
and "choi ci" just be patient, and simply leave quickly and calmly if by
some chance he utters "didi" with an irritated look on his face, because it
means no less than "get the H___ out of here." Do not let it shake you up
if he picks up the phone and yells "Parchment Sir" or says "Roger out" for
good-bye, or simply "working."

Never ask why the Jones' son had a higher rank than he did, and by no
means mention the term "extend." Pretend not to notice if at a restaurant
he calls the waitress "number one girl" and uses his hat for an ashtray.
He will probably keep listening for "Homeward Bound" or "Coming Home
Soldier" to sound off over AFRS. If he does, comfort him, for he is still
reminiscing. Be especially watchful when he is in the presence of a
woman-----especially a beautiful one.

Above all, keep in mind that beneath that tanned and rugged exterior there
is a heart of gold (the only thing of value he has left). Treat him with
kindness, tolerance, and an occasional 5th of good liquor, and you will be
able to rehabilitate that which was once (and now is a hollow shell of)
the happy-go-lucky guy you once knew and loved. Last, but by no means
least, send no more mail to the APO, fill the ice box with beer, get the
civies out of mothballs, fill the car with gas, and get the women and
children off the roads....

BECAUSE THIS KID IS COMING HOME ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

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Signature